"In lumile fiecareia dintre lumi, nu poti cunoaste ceva, orice, cu adevarat, decat in masura in care te poti recunoaste. Nu pot darui decat in masura in care poti primi un dar si nu poti ajuta cu adevarat decat in masura in care poti iubi intr-adevar cu adevarat." - Florin CHILIAN

thoughts and happenings

So this is something I've tried not to write here. About who I am. So I worked as a recruiter, and in the last year I had more than 3000 interviews. 3000 stories, 3000 pieces of very different lives. I've seen at least 4 people born in the same day as me and as all my friends and as all my relatives. I've seen very intelligent people, I've seen lots of "less" intelligent people (some of them I didn't know they exist), I've seen mental illness - way too many cases, I've seen energy and laziness and sense of humour and frustration and lots of emotions and characteristics. I've read hundreds of thousands of CVs, I've answered and talked to tens of thousands of unknown people. I've listened to thousands of voices. I've tried to find the best parts of people that were clearly not fit for some jobs, I tried to be as objective as possible, I tried to find solutions where no solution was there at the moment. I think I did my best. I rarely use the word "evaluate", I don't like evaluating people as a job. It's the same every day, it makes you run away from people or at least put a wall in between, it gets you tired.

It's common to people not to draw conclusions, not to think they are doing things that worth telling, just to get used to situations and live them. I probably wouldn't write these lines too if I hadn't decided to change my job on another area of expertise. So there are three days left here and in a way i feel relieved. In many ways, actually. I'm sorry for what I leave behind, but I'm glad in many other ways. In this case, these days I was soo concerned about what I'm leaving behind that I couldn't enjoy what's coming. And I think I did a great job and if I look behind, even if I'm not necessarily searching for learning and experience, I heard a lot, I learned a lot, I accomplished a lot.

So right about now Felix and Julia came, they are staying at my place for a few days. And I went down to get them, they came by taxi and it was a "fake" taxi, and the taxi driver was arguing with them. Actually they paid 20 lei and the taxi driver was saying he told them from the train station that it was 20 lei each, that means 60. They were 3. Then he became a little violent, let's say invading our space, and he was telling me to tell them to give more money. I was telling him that it's illegal what he's doing and at some point when he was more and more violent I told him I might write down his number of the car, to which he answered "It doesn't matter, I have another one in the front". (??)
Anyway, I was calm and sleepy and wearing my cow pijamas and we turned our back and slowly walked away. :))

And tomorrow I'm having a hard day at work, the first of the last 3, and I should get some sleep.

:))

"Well... I think the more pessimistic I feel about life, the more optimistic the films should be. This is the way I think about it. Life is too sad to bear and there is no hope for anyone. So now, let us drink to happy endings."
Aki Kaurismaki

i'm bleeding. this is how i am, since you asked.

belongings

They met at a rummage sale: sad, discarded, useless objects that needed to become shiny and special through novelty. Grapes had known Socks vaguely, but they had never been close, and finding Socks under these strained circumstances evoked in Grapes a certain tenderness that had thus far been dormant. Grapes was in the throes of that first recovery from heartbreak, not the heartbreak of losing a lover, but that of losing faith in yourself, the sudden knowledge that maybe the world isn't in love with you, or against you, just indifferent. It had left Grapes with a new kindness towards weakness in itself and others.
Before Grapes might have been embarrassed to be seen at a rummage sale, out there with the dusty plastic cuckoo clock whose wood grain was obviously fake and the Budweiser mirror. At the very least, it would have been positive that anyone it met there would have to be a bigger loser than itself. But now it saw the beauty in humility, in lives led despite disappointment and loss.
Grapes started a conversation with Socks, and Socks was pleased to be noticed. Just out of a long relationship, Socks was ready for anyone or anything that made it feel more itself, not just part of a pair, special in its own right. Socks was tired of being in a couple, someone's second half, apairofsocks, one word, no individual identity. At the same time, Socks was scared of facing the world alone, after all that time safe inside the shared protection of coupledom. Socks had to restrain itself from using the word "we" in its answers to Grapes' questions about what Socks had been up to, and its stories reflected the careful deletion of its ex. "Well, I've been traveling, a lot, you know, backpacking around Europe," (when it had been the two of them, apairofsocks, in that backpack). "In Scotland I got to the train station five minutes after the train left and everything was closed in this tiny little town and I had to spend the night in the station,"(implying it was only Socks, leaving out the sex in the bathroom). Grapes knew about the breakup, everyone knew about the breakup, and Grapes found Socks' dissimulation touchingly awkward, as well as a clear sign that Socks was interested. "Wow, I'd love to hear more stories of your adventures," Grapes said.
"Well, let's get out of here," Socks answered, and Grapes knew Socks wanted them to go home together. Grapes was sick of itself, of its own thoughts and fears and Socks' attention provided a welcome distraction.
Rebound, rebound, rebound.
That night Socks rediscovered its body as something that belonged to itself. The moves Socks had perfected with its ex were useless with Grapes. When Socks moved furiously against Grapes, looking to create that electricity that would glue their bodies together, Grapes touched Socks gently and said, "Slow down," offering itself up to be consumed. So Socks did, and learned new moves, and fell asleep warm and happy.
Grapes and Socks were the most communicative of lovers, the most understanding. Socks told Grapes that it wasn't ready for anything big, and Grapes listened, but nonetheless, neither of them was surprised when Grapes started to spend every night at Socks' place. Their relationship was defined by its lack of craziness: they did their best to be fair, and kind, and open with one another. For the first time in its life, Grapes was coming to understand the meaning of the word serenity, and Socks was a big part of this. Grapes stopped worrying all the time, and settled into the serious business of living and working and loving.

more and more..

..hollow, i feel lately. yes, i guess that's the word. hollow. from time to time, but more and more..
get used to it, i say to myself. it will pass. eventually. and if not, be like that. it's fine. it's fine. leave it. you should have done it earlier, leave it.. so what?